How to Talk to Children About Your Criminal Charge: Guidance from a Child Therapist

By: Janeth Nuñez del Prado

Facing a criminal charge can be a profoundly distressing experience for both you and your children. As a child trauma therapist, I have seen that how parents talk to their children about their situation can have a significant impact on their relationship with their children, their children’s emotional well-being, and long-term development. Children are sensitive, perceptive, and often know more than we realize. If you’re navigating this difficult conversation, here’s how to approach it with care, honesty, and the support your child needs.

Why This Conversation Matters

Children look to their caregivers for cues on how to process and react to stressful events. When a parent is charged with a crime, it can shake a child’s sense of safety and stability. If you avoid the topic, use vague language when talking with them, or try to hide the truth, children will often fill in the blanks with their own stories – stories that are usually more frightening and damaging than the reality. Open, age-appropriate communication is essential for helping your child feel secure and supported.

Key Considerations Before You Talk

1. Your Child’s Developmental Level

• Young children (under 6) process information very differently from older children. They think concretely, often have magical thinking, and tend to blame themselves for things that are out of their control. They do not understand abstract concepts like legal proceedings or justice. You can think about ways to make things more concrete such as talking about how the judge will help decide what your punishment will be and validate that it is hard to not know what is going to happen.

• School-age children and teens can handle more complex explanations, but still need reassurance and support tailored to their age and developmental level. They may have had more exposure to the case material that is outside of your awareness, such as seeing things on the news or social media, or hearing information from relatives.

2. What Your Child Already Knows

• Children are often more aware than adults think. They pick up on tension, overhear conversations, and may have witnessed or experienced aspects of the incident, such as their parents being arrested.
• Before you start explaining, ask your child what they’ve heard or noticed. This helps you correct misinformation and address their real worries.

3. The Impact of Trauma

• Parental involvement in the criminal justice system can be traumatic for children and can lead to emotional, behavioral, and developmental challenges if not addressed properly. 
• Your calm, supportive presence and strong relationship is a powerful protective factor, and professional help may be needed to process the trauma fully.

Step-by-Step Guide to the Conversation

1. Prepare Yourself First

• Take care of your own emotional state before you talk. Seek support and a space to process your own emotions, such as guilt, shame, or anger, which may be provoked by the situation. Children are highly attuned to your mood and will mirror your anxiety or calmness. Remember, it is your job to support them, not the other way around. 
• If possible, consult with a child therapist or counselor beforehand for guidance on your specific situation.

2. Choose the Right Time and Setting

• Set aside a quiet, private time to talk without distractions.
• Make sure your child feels physically safe and knows you are there for them.

3. Start the Conversation Gently

• Take the lead – don’t wait for your child to bring it up. Children often pick up on their parent’s desire to avoid the conversation and will likely not be the first to bring it up. This is not a sign they don’t want to talk about it. Begin with a message of support, such as: “I care about you, and I want to talk about something important that happened in our family. You can ask me any questions you want and I will do my best to be honest with you.”

4. Find Out What They Know

• Ask open-ended questions like, “What have you heard about what’s been happening?” or “How are you feeling about things at home?”
• Listen carefully and validate their feelings, even if their version of events is not entirely accurate.

5. Be Honest, But Age-Appropriate

• For children under 6: Use simple, concrete language. Avoid details that are too complex or scary. For example if your child has been witness to domestic violence you can say: “I made a mistake. I forgot to use my words and I hurt your Mom. I know you saw the police take me away and it was scary, and now I have to talk to some grown-ups to help fix it. I am working hard to learn to use my words. You are safe, and I love you very much.” Reassure them that it is not their fault, as young children often blame themselves for family problems.

• For older children: Offer more information, but still avoid overwhelming them with legal jargon or graphic details. For example: “I made a mistake and now I have to go to court to talk about it. I want you to know that you are not to blame, and I am working to make things better.”
• For all children, the topic unfolds over many conversations. Children process information like they eat an apple, they take one bite at a time, and then pause to digest. They will likely come back to you at another time to ask more questions after they have had time to process the information. 
• The story grows as the child grows. Over time, as children age and develop, they may want to talk again about what happened. You can add more detail appropriate to their age and developmental level. 

6. Avoid Vague or Evasive Language

• If you are too vague, children will fill in the gaps with their imagination, often imagining outcomes far worse than reality.

• Provide enough information to answer their questions honestly, but don’t overload or burden them with unnecessary details.

7. Reassure and Support

• Emphasize that your child is not responsible for what happened, and that it is never their fault.
• Make it clear that violence or breaking the law is not okay, regardless of the circumstances.
• Reassure them about their safety and the stability of their daily routines as much as possible.
• If you played a role in the arrest, it is important to get treatment to increase safety for your children. You can then tell them honestly that you are working hard to learn better skills (i.e., to stop drinking, to not fight with others) and that this will not happen again.

8. Encourage Questions and Ongoing Dialogue

• Let your child know they can come to you with questions or worries at any time.

• If you don’t know how to answer a question, it’s okay to say, “That’s an important question. I need to think about how to answer it and I’ll get back to you.” Follow through on this promise.

9. Maintain Routines and Normalcy

• Keeping up with daily routines helps children feel safe and grounded during times of uncertainty.
• Try to include enjoyable activities and positive interactions, even in the midst of stress.
• If there is a chance that you may become incarcerated, ensure the child that they will also be taken care of and name the caregiver who will be responsible for them until you can be together again.

Special Considerations for Young Children (Under 6)

• Young children may not verbalize their feelings but show distress through behaviors like tantrums, regression, or clinginess.
• Use simple, repetitive reassurances: “You are safe. I am here. I love you.”
• Limit their exposure to adult conversations, news, or media coverage about the incident.
• Watch for signs of distress and seek professional help if behaviors become concerning.

When to Seek Professional Help

Parental involvement in the criminal justice system is a major life stressor for children and can have lasting effects on their emotional and behavioral health. Consulting with a child therapist can provide:

• Guidance on how to talk to your child in a way that supports healing.

• A safe space for your child to express feelings they may not want to share with you.

• Support for you as a parent, helping you manage your own emotions and learn positive parenting strategies.

Final Thoughts

Talking to your child about your criminal charge is never easy, but avoiding the conversation or being too vague can cause more harm than good. Children can be resilient, especially when they feel supported, heard, and loved by you. By approaching the conversation with honesty, sensitivity, and the right level of detail for their age, you can help your child process what’s happening and begin to heal.

If you’re unsure where to start, don’t hesitate to reach out to a child therapist or counselor. You don’t have to do this alone – and neither does your child.

Remember: Your willingness to talk openly and seek help when needed is a powerful step toward your child’s recovery and strengthening your relationship with them.

Child Therapist Resources:

For Children 0-6: https://childparentpsychotherapy.com/resources/roster/

For Children 6+: https://tfcbt.org/therapists/

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